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According to the latest spam email I just trashed, Brittney Spears has been attacked by her pet pineapple.

I’m glad it’s raining but it’s apparently been so long people have forgotten how to drive in it. Watch out.

After the great glove fiasco and ripoff of two weeks ago, I still needed a pair of gloves to wear while I was laying block so I tried the other box store, Home Depot. They carry a line of gloves called FG. I use a pair of their carpenter gloves when I volunteer at Habitat for Humanity and they usually last a season and a half, so I thought that would be a better option. They were labeled Mason, so using them for masonry would seem reasonable, right? I bought them on Friday on the way home, used them from around 6 until 7:30 and then again on Saturday until around 3. They’re even more shredded after a lot less use than the ones I got from Lowe’s.

Relatively speaking, is now available at the Mapco, Raceway, and BP stations on Old Hickory Boulevard between I-40 East and Lebanon Rd., at the Hermitage Wal-Mart, and at Thornton’s on Lebanon Rd. East of OHB.

$3.15

http://nashvillegasprices.com

Some time in the next couple or couple of dozen hours, Barack Obama will announce it. His pick for vice-president. The job that John Nance Garner referred to as a job not worth a bucket of warm piss. So what are the major news sources doing about this? Well, in what I think is the most bizarre thing I’ve ever seen, CNN has a banner ad on Election coverage that links to a live feed from in front of Va. Governor Tim Keane’s house.

Yep, it’s live news. Live. And what’s actually in the live feed? Not a frigging thing. The newsperson is off somewhere talking general stuff in the background while the camera is focused on the front door of the Governor’s house. It’s dead air and there’s no movement, not even a squirrel. But they’re there and it’s continually live, fed throughout the world.

Oh, and they’re doing the exact same thing at Joe Biden’s house too.

I know. I hear you saying, “Shutup! They’re not!” Well, shutup! They are!

After a McCain spokesperson dissed Dungeons and Dragons game players, they have responded in their own fashion, by rating John McCain as if he were aa D&D game character. Two of the descriptions:

1st Level Fighter / 14th Level Aristocrat by (+5, Troll) His stat block is STR 12, INT 9, WIS 9, DEX 9, CON 10, CHR 14, adjusting for age.
His Bluff skill is maxed, but he has just one rank in Knowledge (Religion) and no ranks in Knowledge (Economics). He was only a fighter for a short time, but he brags about those days to anyone who doesn’t intentionally fail their Listen check. He managed to charm an aristocratic lass into marriage to make his fortune, though he had to leave his first wife to do so.

This perennially battle-weary creature thrives on animosity and fear; it wields a Fox Cloak of Deception with a +10 stun against nearby intelligent creatures. Sporting long, tentacled arms, its impressive reach gives it a +5 luck in debates. Sadly, this creature is rarely found in the wild; it is usually paired as a familiar to the Horn-toothed Lobbyist.

Zing!

I am intrigued by spam - not getting it, mind you, but how spammers re-target their crap to bypass spam catchers. First they try using a word just like it’s spelled, like drug names. They they start substituting @’s for a’s and 1’s for i’s or l’s and 0’s for o’s. Once that stops working, they add spaces to the words and then they combine these two - all done in stages. For a while, they were just hiding links in among long strings of ??? marks.

Now it seems they’re targeting the email subjects and they think I’m terribly interested in Brittney Spears for some reason. I guess because she has (at least according to yesterday’s crop of spam emails alone) an interesting life, with lots going on. According to the emails she’s:

1. done another video where she’s naked ( somehow I’ve missed them all. Sad but true. )
2. auctioning off her kids on eBay
3. is in training to become a lesbian ( How are those trainers certified? )
4. been targeted by a suicide bomber (it failed, apparently)
5. has been caught blowing her nose on designer dresses ( Is nothing sacred? )
6. was in a car accident, although her vagina was uninjured (there was no concern about her hurting her brain, apparently )
7. had a kidnap plot foiled (and was that the same day as the bomber? Could they be related? )
8. is having a party ( and has NOT invited moi! )
9. and is heartbroken after Diana’s brother has slept with WInehouse ( and who wouldn’t be? How can she live after that? )

I hate to tell you this guys, but I’m still not clicking. Maybe if you offered me millions of dollars to help you smuggle money out of Nigeria. Oh, wait….

A plea for lovelorn women on the less beautiful side of the appearance spectrum to move to a remote Australian mining town, Mount Isa, has gotten the local mayor a lot of response, some of it not as nice as he’d hoped.

Mount Isa Mayor John Molony was refusing to apologize on Monday for angering local women with a suggestion that “with five blokes to every girl, may I suggest that beauty-disadvantaged women should proceed to Mount Isa,” in north-west Queensland state.

“I’m a bloke who respects women. I believe we should look after women. I’m told men outnumber women here by five to one. If that’s the case, then perhaps it’s an opportunity for some lonely women,” Molony said.

A local woman, when asked about the mayor’s statement said “the odds were good here, but the goods are odd here, too.”

In these days of news reports on police who are caught selling drugs or violating civil rights, it’s good to hear that there are still people out there doing their job the way it should be done.

The Auckland, New Zealand, police busted a late night party that had exceeded the bounds of appropriate noise levels and it was about time they did! The cops busted the One Tree Hill Kindergarten in Auckland for slamming the neighborhood with Bob the Builder songs at 6:30 p.m., almost bedtime.

The little criminals are thinking about framing the citation.

They’re going to let teachers pack guns. In Harrold, Texas, the local school board has voted to heat the classrooms by letting Miss Ballentine pack a .357 to her Junior English class. They aren’t sure which one of their 110 students is planning to become a killer, but they’re going to stop it before it ever gets started.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26225072/

If you were thinking about a place you could go to accurately predict the future, I bet the place you wouldn’t pick first would be The Onion, would it? Wrong, future breath.

Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over
January 217, 2001

WASHINGTON, DC–Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that “our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over.”

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

“You better believe we’re going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration,” said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. “Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?”

On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further.